Dear Self,

Repeat after me, "I. Am. Pregnant."  I know those words have been difficult to say out-loud, or lets be honest, even in your head, but it is the truth. I am pregnant, and with that changes are going to happen.  Changes I am not going to like.  Get over it.

Love,
me

 While I am pretty sure I want the outcome of all this- pregnancy is not something I was excited about. I have many fears and so far all my fears of pregnancy are starting to show their ugly heads. My co-worker, bless her heart, keeps reminding me this is only temporary. Perhaps I should get that tattooed on me. oh wait, i can't. I'm pregnant.

Changes. My running pace has significantly decreased, a fact I have been able to avoid until yesterday.  With temperatures dancing in the low double almost single digits I decided to venture to the gym and run on the treadmill. When did a 10 minute mile pace feel soo fast!? I'll admit I felt some anxiety wondering what people would think when they see a person in my "condition" running. However, I didn't feel as though I fielded any wary eyes.  They probably just assumed I was fat. Or, in reality, no body really gave two hoots, but my self-conscious brain says that everyone cares all the time. While running at a nearby park on Saturday, I started to come up on an old man trotting along.  I was gearing up to pass him, when he picked up his pace.  I was not ready for a race of old man v. pregnant lady.  Fortunately, he puttered out eventually and I passed him. There is at least one person I am faster than.

Changes. My power numbers during spin class have taken a hit. I am thankful that outdoor riding has retired for the season so the hills can't frustrate me, but when we're doing power pushes in class my numbers are at least 100 below what they were.  Fortunately, I have never paid too much attention to numbers for cycling yet, and the instructor is my sister, who I believe subtly tries to tell me to not venture into zone 4 or 5 (levels of exertion in lay mans terms).  But I have a hard time reigning myself in.  However, the most notable change is felt by my ass. My added weight makes the saddles uncomfortable to remain seated on and I am always looking forward to when we get to ride out of the saddle.  My ass still hurts from Monday's class.

Changes. Weight gain. Ugh!  It makes me want to cry. I knew this was going to happen; how could it not? I struggle so much with how hungry I am, but terrified to eat more because of the weight gain. However, sometimes my hunger is so overwhelming I feel like all I can do is eat.  I have always associated weight gain with food, and I struggle now with finding the balance between what is caused by food versus pregnancy.  I feel like a fat cow that could float away if a flood were to hit using my gigantic boobs as a raft. And, they are supposed to get bigger! What the fuck! I think they are big enough to serve their purpose right now. I think they were big enough before pregnancy. I need to shop for maternity clothes soon, but it is hard to bring myself to do so.  So far I will take satisfaction in the fact that so far my belly-button has not popped out.

Well enough on the heavy. While I have yet to step into an actual baby store we have decided on a crib that my father is generously purchasing for us.

It is convertible, so hopefully it will last for awhile. It makes it makes it seem real, almost to the point where I feel as though I need to have everything ready right now!

Lastly, on the baby front, Spuds has been an active boy.  He is pretty routine in his "active time" and likes to experiment with new areas to punch or kick.  Yesterday, he found a good one. If ladies had balls, he found them! Sometimes, when he is moving around a lot, it leaves me anxious that it might result in bad news for my pants... fortunately, that has yet to be the case. But sometimes I can see my stomach move and that's just... weird.

This is the cause of the recent discomfort.

hooray! The inside of my uterus!

I have to look at these often to remind myself this is all for something.  He does look awfully cute.

Tiny little things

The past week and half proved to be interesting to say the least. On new years, Chris and I went to see the new Les Mis movie, and I swear I could feel Spuds move when Hugh Jackman started singing.  So perhaps he will be just like his Dad, or maybe he was just reacting to Mom's increase in heart rate (because lets be honest, how can you not have an increase in heart rate when Hugh Jackman is on the screen?) 

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to hold a week old baby boy. He was so tiny (tiny in baby terms yet not tiny when you realize something that size, if not bigger, is eventually going to have to leave your body!) I couldn't get over how tiny his fingers were. They just kept balling up into tiny fists that might be the size of a dandelion flower.  I don't know why, because I know it is not plausible, but it was weird to not see any teeth. However, I am sure that for moms that choose to breastfeed the lack of teeth is some proof there is a merciful God.  It was amazing to see how helpless newborns are and how floppy their heads roll!  I tried my best to support the head, but then he just rolled it forward. drat. Then he started crying because he realized I was not his mom. drat again.

In roughly 4 months I will be the mom. really!? What I do with it? What happens if he grows up with a weird kink in his neck because I was inadequate at supporting the bowling ball on top of it?

"I'm cute, Mom's cute, Dad's lucky!

Last weekend I found myself in a couple situations involving kids that made me realize I really do not care for many children. There was a baby mumbling to itself trying to decide if she wanted to go to sleep or not.  Someone asked me if I could feel my "mommy juices running", whatever that means, the answer was a soundly no. IT was fine. The next day, I was then surrounded by a cacophony of toddlers. Toddlers with drums. HOLY HELL! All I could do is look at my husband and shake my head no. 

It's a good thing "Spuds" still has some cooking time left. Given my recent experiences, I am not sure if I am ready for this.  However, I did wind up acquiring some baby clothes over the holidays that made me excited to use them.  Holding the newborn also made me more curious to meet my mine.  What will he look like?  How will he be?  Will his fingers be just as tiny?  Should I invest in an infant neck brace?  Drums (please, no), or voice/acting lesions?