A week of firsts

"Oooo"

This week was a week of firsts. I (finally?) went back to work, Jackson started daycare and he turned 2 months old!  I was nervous about daycare because leading up to it we had not yet been successful in getting Jackson to take from the bottle again. He would take from the bottle when he was days/weeks old, but then he wouldn't take from me which created quite a problem that resulted in me crying in front of the pediatrician.  (Which, I still feel like she stares at me just waiting to see what will make me break again.) We didn't think the bottle would be that big of a deal since he was feeding off the shield anyway, but I think he liked the ease in which he could eat from the bottle instead of from me. So we then had to take the bottle away. We tried different types of bottles, we tried different people feeding him, both with me around and me not around, but nothing was really working.  I warned Erin that we were trying but not being terribly successful. I don't know if it was due to being in a location where there was no smell of me around, or just that it was his only option and he finally decided he was hungry enough, but he took from the bottle with no problem from Erin. Thank God! Once I found that out, I felt much much better about leaving him in daycare. Until then, I was having these images flash in front of me with me needing to rush up to Erin's during the work day to periodically feed him (and I thought getting away for 20 minutes to pump was going to be difficult).

Be careful when you open my freezer, you might get attacked by milk!

He is also doing well at daycare. The first day there were a couple younger kids (i don't know ages but they were walking and talking and probably school aged 5 and 7?), and when I came to pick him up they were sad to see him go.  One little boy even asked if he could keep him.  One of Erin's friends even bought her the Rock N' Play so Jackson can sleep in the same thing there as he does at home. It's still hard to leave my baby in the care of someone else, especially not family. I am sure over time, though, Erin will probably become close enough to family.

He is smiling a lot now :)

I am currently doing part time work for the first couple weeks and working my way back up to full time. I like it this way. I think I would struggle more if I had to jump back in full time.  It's starting to get a little better, but my first few days back I kinda felt like part of me was missing. While I still like what I do, I felt as though some of that passion was gone. By the end of the week I started to get my groove back.

Apparently, learning to take from the bottle has made Jackson decide he's ready for his big-boy pants as well because as of Tuesday he has decided he wants nothing more to do with the shield and will instead feed directly from me.  The "technique" with the shield was so lazy, that I wasn't sure we'd actually be able to figure out how to breastfeed the correct way but he just took to it as though he had been doing it all along. This makes life so much simpler.

Jackson turned two months old on Monday, and he had his two month check up on Wednesday. He weighed in at 10lbs 9oz, which is two pounds heavier than his 1 month appointment.  He didn't measure much more in length, only 22", but I don't think that's terribly accurate because he is growing out of his newborn clothing with the feet.  He is too long for them.  He did get several vaccines, which was hard to watch because I know they hurt. Fortunately, aside from being sleepy and a little painful he did ok. Nothing a bit of sleep couldn't cure.

Jackson at 1 month old

Jackson at 2 months old

2 months old

Now that I'm an expert.

I am a one-handed baby carrier, dinner cooking, laundry folding, walking/biking mama. I can manage to feed my kid and myself often at the same time.  Each morning I can put Jackson in the stroller and hook Edgar up to the leash and we can cruse the neighborhood. I've got this, until I totally don't. (What are you crying about?!)

I totally get where the "mommy wars" come from.  There is this need to ferociously protect your baby and what you believe is best for your babe, because any suggestion to the contrary would be a stab at your motherhood. It might stem from early during pregnancy when people like to reassure a pregnant person that motherhood just comes naturally, and that you'll know what to do. So when what "comes naturally"is questioned, it just feels completely unnatural.

I am always in awe of people who can so easily and graciously take other people's suggestions, no matter how pointed they might be, and say thank you and honestly consider what that person had to say. Whenever I see that, I try to remind myself it is ok to consider what other people (experienced people) have to offer. I think that sometimes in effort to protect my little one, I am also trying to protect who I am as "Mom" and often feel a threat of being put down if my beliefs are questioned, even if it is just someone offering a different point of view.  I am new at this.  I have been a mom for a total of 8 weeks and 4 days.  I still don't know why he suddenly cries, I can't get him to take from a bottle and I am pretty sure I will be feeding him with the shield the entire time I am able to breastfeed. Despite the newness of it all, I am doing the best I can.  The interesting thing is that it seems as though the medical community has been the most supportive and forgiving.  While admitting that breastfeeding is the best, Jackson's doctor isn't going to hang me if we have to eventually supplement with formula.  She has a realistic view of the life of a working mom.  When talking with my OB, she didn't make it seem like the sky was going to fall if I wind up always breastfeeding using the shield.  In the end, is he being fed? Is he being taken care of and is happy and healthy?  This is what is important.

This whole experience has been humbling.  It's amazing how easily I could judge other parents when I wasn't one. I am still not a fan/comfortable with breastfeeding in public, but I can easily see the need for it.  I just wish there were more private places reserved to allow moms to feed their babies when out and about that didn't include a stall with a toilet. I find that I have a lot more forgiveness for parents now.  For the most part, we are all still new at this, and as I am learning, it takes time to learn your kid and what works and what doesn't.  I am sure that it changes too, as they grow up. That being said, I still don't care for most children.

The Squeakers are all gone

You have killed all the squeaker toys. They were your favorite. You had a talent for locating the squeaky portion of a toy and making sure it would not squeak anymore, much to your dismay.

Even after all the begging it took to get you, you turned out to be a daddy's girl

You loved Edgar so much

Your evidence is all over. The big tv that I had to let your dad get so that I could get you (after I begged and begged). The new DVD case with chewed DVD covers, the new(er) xbox controller that I had to get your dad for Christmas to replace the one you chewed, the larger dog crate so that you could room with your brother, the demolished raw hides that your brother is reluctant to go back to, and the baby gates that are now down. Loki slowly came into the living room looking for you, waiting for you to pounce.  Edgar waited a fraction of a second longer when fed dinner waiting for you to come. But you never came and Loki never got pounced.

I sit outside with Jackson and Edgar and I can see you running in and out of the bushes doing your "pepe le pew" dance looking for the bunny that once was there. I still feel the need to call you in when Edgar is about to go potty so you don't eat it, and I picture you "treeing" all the squirrels in the yard. 

I had to pick up your bowl, it was too painful to see standing by the stove, but I haven't been able to clean it yet. Puck seems to enjoy your leftover canned food.  I took Edgar for a walk, probably the most painful walk to take. I barely held it together until I got home.

I am thankful for the extra time I got to spend with you and for being on maternity leave.  We got to go for more walks, had more cuddle time, more bone time and more yard time. I am sorry I had to split my attention with the new "bald puppy".  Even though he couldn't express it yet, I am sure he loved your kisses. You guys would have been great friends.

The end came so fast. Within one day you loved breakfast but then couldn't stomach dinner. You stopped chasing squirrels and lacked the energy for walks. You needed our help getting on and off the couch. Your back end would wobble and any low obstacle for you to step over or off of seemed like climbing Mount Everest. We saw the signs. We knew that we would have to say goodbye soon. I at first thought it would be within the month, but as the weekend progressed it was clear it wasn't going to be much longer.  Monday night we kissed you goodbye.

I miss you.  I want you back. Cancer sucks. It doesn't give a damn about age or pedigree. It doesn't give a damn about personality or who you leave behind. Cancer just doesn't give a damn. Fuck cancer. You were my fun-loving, free-spirited, eccentric little girl that was taken way too early. You were only 3 and a half years old.  It's a good thing life is never promised to be fair.

Eleanor (Jane) Floro 11/8/09-7/8/13