Postpartum body

These are the scars of pregnancy: the linea negra running down my belly, the stretch marks, the belly, and of course the actual scar.

There is a black line that runs 2 or so inches above my belly button (which that in-itself is a whole other thing) down to my c-section scar, as if to say, "hey, I may not be a yellow brick road but follow me and see where I was cut open! Hooray!"  Apparently, that may not go away for a year.  I have no reasonable explanation for it, but it grosses me out. Do they make skin colored sharpies that I can use to color it in with?

It's a struggle even more so now to see myself naked. The stretch marks make me sad, and even though they are the result of something great, they still make me feel inadequate. I was excited, it seemed as though my skin was going to be extra stretchy as there was no evidence of the "marks" until the last few weeks of pregnancy. I don't know if Jackson was more focused on my left side or not, but only the left side has been assaulted by them.  So if you ever catch a glimps of my stomach, please only look at the right side. (hahaha, like that's ever going to happen)

As for the belly, one word sums it up nicely: FUPA.  Apparently, stretch marks and FUPAs can go hand in hand. It's hard to tell how much is due to excess body fat, or just stretched out skin.  At this point, probably both. While I found a lady brave enough to blog about it (http://hannahsreductions.blogspot.com/2011/06/fupa-progress-yay-or-nay.html) you wont have to worry about seeing mine. It was nice to see that perhaps I am not alone with the fight against the FUPA. How many times can I say (write) FUPA in one paragraph? FUPA!  While I really only gained 33lbs, if I were to do it again, I might try to gain closer to the 25lb range.  In all honesty, at the end, most of it was water weight: thus playdough ankles.

Then there is the scar... which, I believe actually just enhances the above mentioned (I figured saying it 5 times was enough for one post). I am not anti-scar.  I have many scars just from the nature of my work, it's just the location.  It will fortunately be hidden with my pants or tops, but sometimes pants sag and shirts rise up and  I feel as though it just screams "HEY LOOK AT ME", which is just one step closer to looking at my lady parts- which, as the scar indicates- are still intact (hooray, plus side!)

I did have my doctor's appointment today.  And the good news is that I have lost 23 of the 33lbs. 10 more to go!!! I was also cleared to regain physical activity, I just have to start slow.  So, I came home and ran a mile!!! I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt! I was a new woman. So excited to have my feet/tires hit the pavement in a quicker fashion than walking. Marathon training, here I come ;)

Despite all the above mentioned, it's not like I can't say I wasn't warned.  You always think "oh that will never happen to me" but it inevitably does, but it's not without a reward, and a pretty awesome one at that! I wouldn't trade Jackson for any of it.

1 month down

"Who, me?"

Jackson turned 1 month old yesterday.  Where did that month go? People always say that the time flies by.  I've always understood it, but now that I get to experience I can understand the twinge of anxiety behind that statement. I am excited for him to reach each milestone and look forward to when he starts to interact with us a little bit more, but at the same time I don't want to lose my baby (ah, so is this why people have multiple children?)

1 week old

2 weeks old

3 weeks old

4 weeks old

1 month old

 It's amazing how much you can already see how much he has grown/changed. He will now look at you in the eyes, he is getting better with with head control- although he doesn't really care for "belly time" unless he is on your belly. He is smiling a lot more- which might be a little bit more than gas-related at this point, but who knows. He has periods of wakefulness where we can explore his play-mat or the great outdoors. Friday, his feet got to feel the grass for the first time and he got to smell his first rose! I like to believe that he loved it, as he kept trying to thrust his face into it! I really enjoy our outside time.  We like to sit on the swing on the patio and just listen to the birds and soak in the fresh air.

The above is not the best picture of Jackson, but I think we share each other's eyes.

 Saturday, Chris' folks watched Jackson for us so that we could go out and see a movie.  This would only be the second time we've left him. The first was when he was about 2 weeks old, we went out for dinner. I find it hard to be away from him for an extended period of time. (I have no idea how I am going to handle going back to work. At least initially it will only be part time.) But to celebrate his 1 month birthday, and so at least he would "smell clean" for granny and grandpa, Jackson got a bath!

The sink works out great so far!  It also means I can save my back some by not needing to lean over the tub!  (I have also recently discovered that my dogs fit in the sink too!)

Jackson has his 1 month doctor's visit tomorrow.  It will be interesting to see how much weight he has gained. I know he has at least surpassed his birth weight so at night I just let him sleep. We usually get up anywhere between 4-5am, I change his diaper and feed him and then we fall back asleep in the living room till about 7ish. Although if he gets up at 5, we usually just stay up at that point. I am usually in bed by 11:30, so I can often get a good 5 or 6 hour stretch in there of sleep. I know that may not last (will not last) forever, but I will take it as it comes. 

Baby feet!!!

Week 2

2 weeks old

Hooray for a better week! Whether it is due to more adjusted hormones, or actually learning my baby better, there were significantly less tears shed (on my behalf) this past week. I am able to handle my son's cries a bit better without feeling totally at a loss.  Night time is still the toughest time. My body wants to shut down and it can't do that. Fortunately, for the most part he is a good sleeper at night and I can sometimes get a 5 to 6 hour stretch in there. Admittedly, I do wake up periodically to check on him and make sure he's still breathing.

I think the dogs have also realized that this new "naked puppy" is apparently going to be around for awhile. Eleanor is more interested in him

"I will keep your head clean"

But Edgar has resigned himself to being the jealous dog that he is. Often trying to steal my lap first when he sees me setting up to feed Jackson. He also tries to put himself between Jackson and myself- much like he would do if Chris and I were to sit next to each other. We are trying to make time for our 4-legged kids as well.

Yesterday was a big day for me! We finally got the infant insert for our Ergo baby carrier, so I was able to strap Jackson to me and take him and the dogs for a walk! It. Was. Excellent! Finally got out of the house and enjoyed some fresh air and exercise. The rest of this maternity leave is looking a little bit better. We also discovered that Jackson likes the vacuum. So maybe the house stays cleaner for awhile... I also went to Wegmans by myself last night as well. First time I left Jackson alone with his dad.  Everyone seemed just fine.

"See Mom, we've got this"

Today was Jackson's first trip to Wild Wings. It was great to see the birds again. I definitely missed them and all the people there.  Hunter, the Barred Owl (and my sweetie), hooted for Jackson, and I told him that is one of Mom's favorite sounds.

Me with Hunter during Winter Fest 2 years ago

Jackson also had 2 trips to Tinker Nature Center.  I told him he better get used to that place.  The stroller handled great there so I am excited to try running there with it.

It's amazing to see how much he has already changed in the past 2.5 weeks. Almost scary. He can now find my eyes (and not just my hairline) and I could stare into his beautiful blues as long as he would let me.

My sister likes me to send her frequent pictures of Jackson, this was one of them from Friday. Could he be any cuter?

 I ordered some books from Amazon, thanks to a very generous birthday gift for Jackson from my friend Scott.  I am excited to start reading some of my old childhood favorites to him. Two of the books are even in Spanish. While I am no longer fluent enough to teach him to be, I figured the early exposure can't hurt.

Each day gets better, which is encouraging. There is a light somewhere. That the dark alley way that was the first week isn't all there is. I can do this. I've got this. Especially since I don't have to do it alone. 

So. Much. Love.  (Jackson at 2 days old)

Oh dear God we made it through week 1

Jackson at 1 week old

I can't decide if the week went quickly or slowly, or if it should be counted by the minutes or by the tears we survived.

Half of the week was spent in the hospital, with the helpful staff coming to make sure Jackson was being fed and diapers changed and to check on my pain and to give me pain meds.  Lactation specialists would also peek their heads in to make sure things were going well in that regard. Jackson could spend the night in the nursery and the nurses would bring him in whenever he needed to eat, but it allowed for Chris and I to get some sleep. Then we came home.

In all honesty, things haven't been that bad since coming home.  It was nice to be able to finally sleep in my own bed, however I missed the feature that would raise the head of my bed for me at the hospital as I currently still do not have any abdominal muscles. I struggle with a lack of routine and with all the restrictions placed on me (no vacuuming, no lifting more than my son, no running...), but these will be short term.  I love snuggling with my son and falling asleep with him on my chest. Or finally figuring out some of his cries. If only he knew that eventually, gas will be the least of his concerns, and that he didn't need to lose his ever-loving-mind over it.

I have read that breastfeeding can be difficult, which always baffled me.  How can something that seems so natural be so challenging?  However, there is an entire profession dedicated to help women who struggle with it. Sometimes I wonder if any of these lactation specialists have struggled with breastfeeding themselves or just spout out what the books say.  Have they had to struggle with frustrating anatomy? A baby that just screams anytime you try to feed him/her? Late, late nights spent seeing who can cry harder, Mom or baby, just over frustration and feelings of total inadequacies? I can see how easy it is for women to quit- especially if they don't have the support from their husband/partner. In all honesty, I have no idea how I would survive without my husband. Him being able to take two weeks off has been a life saver.  Fortunately, there has already been some slight improvement, which at least offers a light at the end of the tunnel.

Jackson has had the opportunity to meet most of the family. It's amazing to see how quickly he suckers everyone under his spell, myself totally included!

Love this picture. Pure Grandma bliss :) (Chris' Mom)

three generations of Floro males

Great Grandma Goodrich :)

My Dad

My Mom

Jackson also received his first bath, albeit a little awkward, I think we figured it out.

Edgar thought the picture was of him.

 I also got my first "shower". He is a crafty fella' that can manage to pee around any blockade I put up. Admittedly, the first time I forgot to cover it, and he peed all over his face. After that he has peed on me, the changing table and the wall (it's a good thing we hung those wall decorations as high as we did!) At least he provides plenty of practice!

I find myself rereading both my and chris' posts about the birth of our son. Sometimes it's hard to fight with feelings of total inadequacies and that everything I had planned out for our son doesn't seem to be fitting the bill. But as Chris put it, we planned everything without ever consulting the one it would involve. Even at this young of an age he seems to have his own opinions about things.