Eleanor

Some days I feel like I've got it, while other days I feel like I don't have the strength.  Then there are the days when I think I'm in control but in reality I'm just an inch away from breaking down. I've been crying over Eleanor for the past week.  She's been suffering from horrible bloody stools/diarrhea for a couple months now and lately I've watched as her energy level continued to deplete.  She no longer wanted to chase the squirrels outside or the cats indoors.  Her color has also started to get paler and paler... meaning she's losing red blood cells (in her stool).  For the longest while the thought was IBS or a food allergy.  She's only 3 years old and now would be about when a food allergy might show itself. Unfortunately, a proper food trial can take up to 8 weeks and it took awhile to find food she would actually eat.  We tested her for intestinal parasites, we tested for possible Addison's disease.  We tried several different medications to help bring back a healthy GI tract with little to no improvement.  All her blood work would come back relatively normal, except that she was losing protein. Her total solids and albumin would drop every time we checked. She was also losing weight. Perhaps I put it off to long, hoping that it was a food allergy and we just didn't find the right diet yet, but last Thursday Eleanor finally had her ultrasound.  The doctor was great.  I was allowed in and was able to see what the doctor was seeing.  She explained to me what she was looking for and it was easier for me to disassociate myself from my dog when I could look at the screen and just think "medical".  But then the lights were turned on and I had to come to terms with the fact that my beautiful, mischievous, fun-loving little girl was most likely (95% likely) suffering from Lymphoma.  No diet or medication would make it fully go away.  Last weekend I had a sinking feeling that whatever was causing her to be ill would not be resolved, and now I am fighting with that realization.  I struggle with looking into her eyes and knowing that I can't fix this. I can't make her 100% again. Chemo was an option, but it is very expensive, would require frequent trips to probably Syracuse and may not buy her much more time.  Unfortunately, time and money are not two things we currently have a plethora of. Plus it would require more invasive procedures and I'm not sure I want to put her through all that.  So, we have started to treat her with a high dose of Prednisolone. Despite needing a few more trips outside, so far this weekend I have noticed a slight improvement in her activity level and a definite improvement in what she is willing to eat. It's hard to tell how things will go from here.  There have been a few cases where a patient being treated for Lymphoma on Pred will do well for a year, but cancer can change quickly. So for now, I just want to cherish what I have. I love my little girl.